Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Sorry for the lack of posts this week. D came out to her parents this week (Tuesday) and it has been quite the rigamarole.

I had this typed up on Tuesday morning to post, but never did. So I've edited it a bit, to make it more relevant to what has happened since

I know, for those that just read the blog and don't know us personally, it may be weird that we are engaged, planning a wedding, but her parents are still in the dark about her sexuality, but then again-- you also don't know her parents. It has taken her a year to get 100% independent. College is over and paid for (except her loans), she has a new cell phone and number not on their plan, our power of attorneys are in place and yesterday I made the drive to pick her up. Even though she bought her car a few years ago, the title is in her parents name, not to mention the insurance. We didn't want to take any risks.

Coming out is a hard thing. But for me, my parents were so supportive it was just a matter of telling them. Sure, I cried (a lot), but to them it was a blip on the radar. Nothing earth shattering at all. Her folks were blind sided. Well her dad said he had suspicions, but to be honest he thinks everyone is gay in a weird paranoid way. To give you an idea of who they are-- They donate money to Focus on the Family. When Ellen came out, her mother watched her show, wrote down every business who advertised on it and boycotted them. They didn't watch a lot of Disney as a child since Disney had 'gay week'. The family isn't fond of 'those queers'.

On the flipside, her mother is a loving, wonderful person, who would give her life to see her little girl happy. I see the love in her eyes and it is an unselfish love, and one that is all consuming. I am pained and torn and watching D go through this is like slowing picking apart stitches or something equally painful. I am trying to be strong for her.

After a lot of debate, she decided on a letter. That initial reaction isn't something one can get over easily. A good friend of mine's mother threw stuff at him-- ironically enough, one of the objects was a bible. Though they are best friend's now, my friend still has problems forgiving that first, initial reaction. So we thought a letter would prevent either D or her folks from saying something they'd regret later in life. Then, we decided, an email is faster and cuts out, essentially, a week of waiting for it to get there, response time, and then the returning letter.

We are prepared for the worst and hoped for the best. I think we got somewhere in between both of those. I honestly felt like we are preparing for a hurricane or something, getting all of our ducks in a row. Contingency plans. Waiting for the storm to hit.

Her parents responded that they will always love her, which was a really good thing to hear. But still, I don't think things will be okay for a long time. Fundamentally, their views and D's views are so drastically different on pretty much everything under the sun. But, as far as 'this' is concerned-- They believe homosexuality can be cured. That it is a phase in some peoples lives that they can develop over time and also overcome. Her mom gave her a book by Kerby Anderson called "A Biblical Perspective on Homosexuality". After I read it I was so angry. Old statistics, out of context quotes, and false justifications make this almost laughable to me, but I know so many people probably take this as a very serious truth. It is frustrating, infuriating, but most of all terribly sad.

Did you know that gays have the right to marry? Yeah! They totally have the right to marry someone of the opposite sex. (This is a direct quote, friends).
Did you know that gays are gay because of peer pressure? Yes, the gay agenda is making it 'okay to be gay' and so it isn't homosexuals fault. It is the Gaaaay Agennndaaaa (read that with a spooky ghost voice).

This leads us to MY question- What was first? The Gay? or the Agenda?

Not to poke light. It is what we are doing now to cope.


j-ferg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
j-ferg said...

Congratulations to the two of you on being courageous enough to get this done!

My parents sound ridiculously similar to D's, and while the coming out process was pretty terrible, our relationship is much better (but not perfect) now. The most useful thing for me has been to know how much I can accept their comments and knowing where to draw lines. I can handle a few passive-aggressive comments at dinner, but I won't tolerate them being disrespectful to my partner, and I just don't expect them to treat us like my sister and her husband. In a perfect world, I wouldn't want to make those compromises, but, in the real world, they've been helpful for me. I'm sure the lines are different for everyone, but I'm sure you'll figure it out together.

AND, most importantly, congratulations on your engagement and lives together!

Ruby Slippers said...

I can't imagine how hard that must be. I'm straight, and I wish that people would stop going on about "gay-friendly" and "okay to be gay", because you and I know that it's hard to be gay. Obviously it's easier in some places than others, but if my friends can't hold hands as they walk down the street without attracting comments or rude stares, then, I'm sorry, it's not making it "okay to be gay". It's making it hard to live with who you are.

I'm juuust starting out as a wedding photographer. The lead photog I have been 2nd-shooter for called me up the other day and said she had a request for a gay wedding, and did I want to 2nd shoot if they booked her? I was like, "Hell yeah! I'll shoot anything different, what fun!" and she said she has three regular 2nd shooters who have refused this sort of thing in the past. Apparently the couple have been struggling to find service providers who will help them out, from venues to officiants to photographers, so I'm glad they found my photog friend. Unfortunately she had to ask them if it was ok that she didn't put them on her blog, because that would scare off many clients, which she can't afford, however close-minded she thinks they are. The bride quite agreed - I feel so bad for her, though.

I hope you guys are managing to find helpful service providers without an issue!

prettyisa said...

congrats on coming out! It will make your lives so much easier--I have a friend who has been closeted through an 8 year relationship, buying a house, and breaking up. She gets no support, and can't even act upset or they'll catch on. It might be a struggle, but it sounds like your fiancee's parents love her, so hopefully it's the beginning of a long march to acceptance (hopefully!).
I'm glad you have this blog--my girlfriend and I are also planning a wedding in a part of the country (south west Florida) not known for its gay wedding industry. So far people are surprised when we say we're both brides (after an hour of picking out a caterer the woman nods to Steph and says, 'so, are you two friends?' 'um, we're both getting married. to each other.' pause. 'oh, so you ARE friends!' yeah. really good friends.) but after the shock wears off they've all been really gracious. It's just hard to find other people in the same boat for some reason.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on getting this done, and I'm just sorry that it has to be so hard. Stuff like this kills me--you are engaged to be married, in what should be a really happy, joyful time in your life, and I wish it just could be easy and free of fear.

I also think life is full of tenuous relationships, of finding little spaces where we can communicate with people who speak a different language from us. I have had hard times with my parents over issues nowhere near as difficult as this, but part of the process is accepting that we will never have an uncomplicated relationship, it will never be "ok", but we can hope to get to a place where we can coexist.

Best wishes to you both.

Lysandra said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am impressed by how brave you both are and sad that you have to be. I wish you the very best in your life together and can't wait to follow the rest of wedding planning on your blog!